…bein’ a hardened criminal’s not easy, y’know…day three in Facebook jail…

…the virtual handcuffs were unlocked only when I was safely interred in the confines of Facebook jail…the first night in the slammer was the worst…even the virtual jailers seemed to look  on pityingly as the doors  closed against the outside world, more with a whirr than a clang,—this is the electronic  universe after all…my cell-mate, Albert, was nearing the end of his sentence—10 days for ‘poking’…that’s apparently the Facebook legalese for daring to ask someone more than once to engage in the abomination of friending…he communicated in grunts and wild nods of the head, a common condition for many who have known little in the way of real human contact since the advent of the Great God Internet..like the rest of us, having devolved into almost exclusive Twitterdom, FacebookTown  and Blogsville…it took a while to get a real conversation moving, but we both tried very hard, and somehow, managed to get our voice messages across…Albert was a repeat offender and his stories of meeting others in the Facebook jail would curdle the blood of a fully-grown iPod…he told me about Xaphenes, (not his real name, y’understand, but the poor bloke had been using his  virtual handle for so long, he’d long forgotten the name his parents gave him)…Xaphenes came in a week ago and couldn’t take it, with no access to the ‘www’ world,. he went nuts… they took him away the night before last, and the WordPress is ( sorry, read ‘the word is’) he’s gonna be up for an enforced lobotomy next Wednesday…then there’s Bill Gates, no not THE Bill gates, another disciple of the ether waves who changed his name by deed poll, online, to try somehow to get closer to his Nom de Virtuel…troubled, I tried to sleep, and drifted off into a dream state, where I actually welcomed Matron with her syringe, …funny how we get used to things innit?…tomorrow they’ve got me on library duty …yes, real books, with paper an’ all… they really know how to hurt a guy in here…Trying to keep my virtual chin up…visiting times for friends are on Thursdays  5 till 7, if you can make it down here with some ice cream, lots of ice cream…yeah, I know,  Facebook doesn’t allow friends…okay, okay ,okay…I know when I’m beaten…


Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

16 responses to “…bein’ a hardened criminal’s not easy, y’know…day three in Facebook jail…

  1. Well, this is a pretty pickle you’ve got yourself into an’ no mistake (no idea why I suddenly sound like Dick Van Dyke in ‘Mary Poppins’…must be the trauma of knowing that you have no access to ice cream!). Poor Albert, poor Xaphenes, poor Bill Gates and poor, poor Seumas. Proper books with pages, eh? You know what that means, don’t you? After so much time spent with virtual books you’re a prime candidate for paper cuts! Call Matron! Quick! Bandages at the ready!


  2. Pingback: My brother Seumas has been a BAAAAAD boy…:) « Thomas Rydder

  3. Andy

    Keep taking the medication. And start looking for ney outlets. FACEBOOK is making it harder for people to publicise their stuff for free.


    • Tomorrow, the largest of the three main book distributors in the UAE is taking my books on board, including AbuDhabi airport.. will be interesting to see if the covers generate much shelf-take ..( That’s my new made-up word, ‘shelf-take’…kinda street-speak for writers , y’know ..)


  4. Been thinking about baking a cake with a file in it (virtual, of course) and sending a “cookie” your way. Get your lawyer to appeal the sentence — oh, just remembered this is Facebook, no appeals allowed! Keep your chin up and take your sentence like a man. Before you know it, you’ll be out “poking” again and…oh, guess you’ll be back in the slammer and labeled a repeat offender. Happens to the best of us!


  5. What’s your favorite flavor? I’ll make an ice cream run and be over to console you – oh, maybe not. I don’t want your incarceration to reflect badly on me! ha ha – great post!


  6. robitille

    I got slapped down for “liking” too many author fan pages and commenting too many times. Slapped *hard*. You know what, Seumas, stick it to the man! I’m slipping some Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk into your cell the second that screw’s back is turned…


    • That’s what a con really needs,, sumb’dy on the outside with some brains, and Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk… slip a coupla gallons o’ that in here , and I’ll rule the joint in two days. Flat… Messrs Dillinger, Capone, eat your hearts out .. “:)


    • BTW , do i have your Twitter handle yet ? and your blog handle pse? If I’m not following either or both, I’ll sort that out toute suite ..:):)


  7. Buck up, Seumas. You can do thirty days standing on your head, my man. Wait one. Strike that. Kilts don’t give quite the right image when you’re in the company of hardened criminals.


  8. Been there, my friend — back when you were still wearing short nickers under yer kilt (I have no idea what I’m talking about)!


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