So , here we go, my great AUTHOR pal, ERIC J. GATES has the floor …
The NSA has let me down again!
Some of you may know I worked in computer security for many a year before turning my hand to the fabrication of fanciful fiction (Sorry about that. I read a book on Alliteration last week – The Absolute Alliteration Almanac for Aspiring Authors, available on Amazon, amazingly enough). Anyway, using my skills, I have been providing gainful employment to the spooks worldwide over the past few years, as I seed various blog posts, web articles and emails with tasty titbits (sorry). What, you cry! Have you been plotting the overthrow of our cherished way of life? No, hang-on a minute! I’m far more subtle than that.
What I’ve been doing is using the National Security Agency’s Prism interface in popular software (PIPS for short), as well as the FBI’s Carnivore system, and of course that old standby, Echelon II, to infiltrate the closely guarded confines (sorry) of Jeff Bezos’ In–tray.
Jeff Bezos. Mr Amazon, to you.
What have I been up to? Well, as any fellow scribbler knows, contacting the Big A with suggestions for improvement is like being an itinerant dragon-slayer in the 21st Century (sorry Wikidribble). I tried sending my well-thought-out improvements to sundry emails hidden within KDP’s support pages, to no avail. So, in a fit of rational reasoning (sorry) that won’t repeat (sorry, again), I hit upon my Master Plan.
In essence, I’d let my fingers do the stalking!
But all my efforts were in vain! Some Snowden bloke has focused all their resources on tracking him down, and they are ignoring me. It’s so frustrating. Here I am, with ideas galore, ways of improving Amazon’s author interface (sorry), yet I am not to be heard by Mr Bezos’ backups (sorry), or anyone that resembles them.
So I say to Big A, until the Snowden thing is sorted and we can all go back to being spied upon by the NSA, GCHQ, FBI, CIA and B&N, could you provide a virtual suggestions box so writers can help you improve the service you provide?
Not asking much, am I?
By the way, just in case the repeated mentions of intelligence and law enforcement services HAVE temporarily tempted (sorry) the said services to Seumas’ blog, I’ve just published my latest suspense thriller, ‘Leaving Shadows’, on Big A. It starts with the kidnapping of the Head of MI6 – that’ll get their attention! Please take note!
Sorry about apologising constantly; we Brits tend to do that. Sorry.