…I could teach that Gordon Ramsay chef fellow a thing or three…

…it all happened a lo-o-o-ong time ago… in the town of Campbeltown on the Mull of Kintyre (which made Paul McCartney famous before Kanye West thought of helping the poor wee Liverpudlian into the limelight)…. so far back, indeed that even McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken hadn’t yet added to the Fried Mars Bars menu choices for Scots everywhere… and therein lies part of the thing… at the time, this ol’ Jurassic was a bachelor in his early twenties… a period of much apprenticeship in the fine art of alcohol imbibement… striving to acquire my Black Belt in ’Getting Pished’… the lodgings in Campbeltown were shared with three other lads, equally in the same pursuit of large quantities of the Electric Soup… the other guys were pretty adept at throwing together a meal for the four of us, and took it in rotation to do so… I’d long since claimed absolute ignorance of anything to do with cuisinery propensity, and contributed my dish-washing skills instead to compensate for that… one weekend, communal madness seemed to overtake our quartet and I was given free rein to ’try to cook dinner’ for us all… I’m certain a drink or more had been taken in the making of that decision… the money contribution was handed over in the morning, and the rest of the fellows went about their Saturday activities in expectation of Master Gallacher’s gastronomic grandeur in the evening… I decided they deserved a good Cabbage Soup followed by Fried Rice… the ingredients were purchased accordingly, and the process began… this next passage should prob’ly invoke an editorial drawing across of a curtain… things didn’t go exactly as the Michelin Star people might have looked for… it seems if yeez boil a lettuce for three hours, it doesn’t produce cabbage soup…


…similarly, if yeez pour dry rice straight from the packet into a frying pan with just a tad of cooking oil, it forms the most impressive doily pattern… but it also, rather churlishly I feel, resembles a burnt, scarred, kinda pitiful, thick, papery biscuit…


…the boys were so impressed with my efforts, I was sent to purchase four orders of fish and chips from the local chippie… and as a direct consequence of my kitchen success, the dishwashing became my sole domain for the balance of my stay there… have I ever told yeez I heat up a mean sausage roll?… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!



Filed under Blether, Scribbling & Stuff

39 responses to “…I could teach that Gordon Ramsay chef fellow a thing or three…

  1. Reblogged this on Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life and commented:
    Well at least you took on the role of dishwashing Seumas, some ladies of my acquaintance have confided in me that their gentlemen partners are not to be trusted with that task as they broke pieces of the best china during their early efforts and are not asked to contribute their time again.. seems to me that is the fastest way to get out of that chore… for life – on purpose…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I can’t cook either. So I commiserate. Its a talent that I don’t have and have no interest in learning. I’ll stick with dishes too.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dish washing is important! That’s usually my husband’s job. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 😀 😀 😀 Were there no instructions on the packages? Something simple like, ‘add water’? Oh sorry, a lot of us don’t read instructions. Too funny.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I wonder if your culinary skills have improved somewhat over the loooong years? I love to cook, but I despise the role of “washdisher”!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. At the first “What are you cooking Mom?” we were standing on a chair beside her, learning how to cook. By the age of 10 I was making the family breakfasts (I think this was the plan all along) so, we also taught our boys to cook at an early age. Their girl friends are very impressed. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. LOL. We may have gone to the same “cooking school” Seumas. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you Seumas for my first great laugh of the day. You are delightful!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Ah, Seumas, you can’t be expected to be a great writer and a culinary specialist! A typical young man’s interests usually follow the alcohol and the girls. At least you are neat and clean and washed up, a trait any woman would admire.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I think you must have been going for alchemy if you were trying to transform a lettuce into a cabbage…

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I’ll gladly let you wash my dishes Seumas! I make a mess of them when I cook. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Kentucky Angel

    Seumas, you may also wash my dishes. I love to cook, but hate the washing up. And since I cook enough to feed an army, you may have the leftovers, or at least part of them. I like to keep enough for 2 more days. I make enough for 2 weeks. Never saw the sense in dirtying up the pots and pans for one single meal.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Here in India I’ve found if you so desire you can order a tiffin meal and not have to cook or wash up. The tiffin service washes the tiffin for you. Great deal. It’s not even expensive. I can cook, but I’m not proud. Good food also. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Geez…yer so multitalented 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Can always count on having a smile served up here. Love the way you cook up a story. (Food can always be purchased for take-out, but stirring up story? That takes skill …and maybe a bit of wine once in a while…)

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hi Seumas,
    I have ancestors who hailed from these parts dating way back to the 1850s.I am descended from the Johnstons of Islay and have connections with the Lefroig distillery. I think it was Donald Johnston who fell into a vat of Scotch and drowned. My husband jokingly says that he brought shame on the family because he couldn’t drink his way out!!
    Perhaps, you’re better of sticking to writing that cooking.

    Liked by 1 person

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