Tag Archives: the WEB.

…Scottishness test?… #TBSU…

…I’ve just seen sum’thing on Facebook about a test for Britishness… given the current interest in the Scottish Independence debate, p’raps a test for Scottishness would look like this :

Who should be the first prime Minister of Scotland?

a. Sean Connery
b. Billy Connolly
c. Mel Gibson
d. The Loch Ness Monster

What should be the National Game of Scotland?

a. Rugball
b. Footby
c, Raiding northern English towns
d. Arranging a referendum to give away the Independence

What year were Fried Mars Bars introduced?

a. 46 A.D.
b 25,857,012 B.C.
c. last year
d. Fried Mars Bars were introduced?

How many people in Scotland willingly pay tax?

a. Everybody
b. Naebody
c. Tax?
d. Can I call a friend?

What’s the Capital of Scotland?

a. Hampden Park
b. Glasburgh
c. Edingow
d. Stg 3.45

Answers please on a managers cheque to the usual address… you’re welcome!

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…BLOGGERED… in all its glory!… #TBSU…

feb4edit  2

…here we go, here we go, here we go… taaa-raaaaa!

…of late, there has been a cacophony of raucous clamour, regarding my blog post collections… despite that, I am STILL gonna publish the latest selection… these comprise a composition of distilled daily efforts over the last several months, in which this ol’ Jurassic has spilled the blogging beans about life in the nether WURLD of self-publishing… a sprinkling of kind souls have seen fit to describe these as a mirror of the experience of many squillions of like-souls out there in Blog Land… my literary knees have been bruised countless times in the past year… the little grey cells have continued their struggle to grasp the nuances, quirks and pitfalls that await the indie scribbler… but, miraculously, the sun kept on rising on the next morrow… just proves there’s hope for all of yeez if I can survive this slalom en route to the Nobel Literature Prize Table, or at least to the door of the Hall where they present it… here’s a wee blurb on the contents this time around:

…Hilarious collection of blog posts by the Blogger of the Year 2013. A witty, informative, irreverent view of the self-publishing world. A self-confessed computer Jurassic shares his experiences and delight at being a small Scots cog in a sometimes baffling internet publishing universe.

…and the all-important links to the Great God Amazon Kindle:

UK : http://amzn.to/1jAOdUv

US : amzn.to/1cyhnvu 

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..it’s all right, mate… I’ve got yer back covered… and yer front… #TBSU…

…they say yeez can’t always tell a book by its cover… in which case I’d ask, ‘…then what’s the point of the cover?’… there’s little doubt that the advent of the Great God Amazon Kindle has seen the emergence of squillions of first time newbies… self-publishing authors, seeking to emulate that wee Rowling lassie in hitting the literary jackpot on the internet… and this ol’ Jurassic is just one of them… the learning curve has been steep, admittedly a lot of fun, and undoubtedly a ton of hard WURK… I’ve acquired some vital knowledge along the journey… that real-live Agents and Publishers may well be a figment of the writing industry’s imagination… that just turning up and scribbling away at any old rubbish will be a cracking best-seller, ain’t gonna happen… that yer sleep patterns are gonna be disturbed worse than if yeez had ten screaming infants in yer household… that Amazon Kindle will do all the marketing/promotion/selling/advertising for yeez… aye, right!. (if yeez believe that, ye’re nuts).. and that having a compelling book cover is as important on the web as it is in the bookstores… of course, there are many splendid book covers on the internet… but sadly, in my not-so-‘umble opinion, there’s also some p’raps a tad less than acceptable… in the likes of the Waterstones and WH Smith outlets it’s a bit more casual… yeez can stroll around the place, pick up books, flip through the pages, admire the cover at length… not so much on the Kindle trail… the SOSYAL NETWURK short-term attention span syndrome has most of us looking at stuff with an instantaneous take… a glance if yeez are lucky, then on to the next image… it’s a bit like cartoons… fleeting time engagement… so I think a good… no, strike that… I think a GREAT cover page is even more essential for yer web offerings, fellow Lads and Lassies of Blog Land… I consider myself fortunate to have a brilliant artist from the Philippines who takes my vague blabberings about my novels’ content and converts them into a persuasive, ‘instant pull’ cover page… spend time, invest a little money if yeez have to… but don’t go half ars*d at it… here’s my covers…do yeez agree ?… see yeez later…

wall copy 2

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…another wee one, found while editing, worth another share… #TBSU…

…Fried Mars Bars just don’t hack it, Mabel… 

…call me a bit of a foodie snob if yeez like, but I’ve never been a devourer of that Scottish delicacy, Fried Mars Bars… not to say that the odd dozen mouthfuls of chocolate don’t have their attraction, y’understand… but sticking the confection of the Gods into a deep-frying chip pan just doesn’t seem right… when the Govan Docklands in Glasgow where I grew up were still lit by street- and tenement-closemouth gaslights, epicureans were an unknown breed… delicacies of the day back then included the fried scrapings from the large fryers in the chip shops, the wee crunchy bits that fell off the fried fish and gathered at the bottom… we’d get these free as kids… add a pickled onion, and yeez had the supper of Nirvana… sometimes the back-ends of the plain bread, the one-piece kind of loaf that came with ‘doorstoppers’ at the ends would end up in the pan, fried in lard… none of yer fancy organic vegetable oil nonsense… the wee corner stores, the forerunners of the modern 7/11 outlets would give yeez massive discounts on broken biscuits… a collection of crumbs to some… a whole dinner to us… in Scotland the WURD ‘lunch’ was some strange meal eaten in South Britain… our midday meal was ‘dinner’, and the evening meal was yer ‘tea’ ‘high tea’ only appeared in posh houses, usually made up of daft wee sandwiches that wouldn’t feed a canary, and tea that wasn’t made from teabags… as a kid brought up in the city, I thought strawberries grew in tins, and came already drenched with sweet juice… pour in a wee bit of milk, and that would keep yeez drooling for days… salads were unheard of… vegetables were meant to populate soups and a never-ending stewing pot that yer Ma topped up every day with whatever digestible fare came to hand… and it was great… y’know, Mabel, there might be a fortune waiting for whoever opens a restaurant selling stuff the way we used to eat it… now where did I leave the indigestion tablets?…

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…can yeez believe this?… an Author pal asking ME for advice!… #TBSU…

…writing pal, Author Sheelah Turner, carries this on her blog today… makes me giggle to think I can actually advise emb’dy on anything!…

 GUEST POST: Seumas Gallacher

So, after my post mentioning my little case of slowing words, I reached out to the fabulous writers community that I am becoming a part of. And, the response was warm, encouraging, and much advice was imparted.  I’ll be sharing these with you.

First, my mentor and friend Seumas Gallacher shared his wisdom – in his usual humorous manner.

S Gallacher cropped-header

…begone vile Writers Block, offend no more my mind…

…okay, some days yer wee grey cells just down tools for a while… stick their feet up and decide to chill out… for most of the planet’s population, that’s usually a sign that ye’re on vacation, or maybe asleep, or merely spaced out for an hour or three… when it happens to a quill-scraper it attracts ominous overtones… ‘Writers Block’ is the common term… and it can visit all sorts of panic to yer brainbox… yeez tap in various forms of morse code on yer Mac, expecting golden prose to re-emerge… or yeez get up and go walkabout in yer writing area, covering half a mile in circles in a ten-foot square study… yeez try coffee, ice cream, gummy bears, ‘mind food,’ in attempt after attempt to re-energize the wonderful thought process yeez had only a day before… visions of stepping up to collect the Nobel Prize for Literature fade with every minute… all seems lost… so, who do yeez call?… WritersBlockBusters, that’s who…ploys to reverse the symptoms of ‘thought-freeze’ vary from scribe to scribe… for this ol’ Jurassic, the best way I’ve found is to keep on scribbling… when the tome-production becomes laboured, I switch to this blog o’mine… typically, I concoct no more than 350-400 WURDS in a blog post, and the content style is totally different to the books… no matter how dull it may appear, the process of getting typing again is always enuff to trigger a flow of WURDS… and if it turns out to be utter garbage… well, it’s my garbage, and I LUV IT!… the mental wheels start to turn once more… the internal whirring re-ignites the Muse’s day-job… and we’re off and running… it may not WURK for all of yeez, but it really is a mechanism to break the routine when things get sluggish… I also invest a fair amount of time daily in maintaining the SOSYAL NETWURKIN stuff… that helps too… sooner or later the magnet of the novel-writing pulls me back in… hope that’s of some help to yeez… excuse me, I have a wee blockage I have to go and clear …see yeez later…

Thanks Seumas for excellent advice and a little giggle :D If you haven’t already, do check out his blog and books.

http://seumasgallacher.com/

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…Authors, it’s not the WURDS yeez use… it’s HOW yeez use them… (re-iteration time)… #TBSU…

…the edit proceeds merrily for the next blog post collection, and I’m discovering bits I still like a lot… here’s one for regurgitation:

…it doesn’t get any more basic than WURDS… the raw fuel that peppers our language… the ingredients that sprinkle and seep into every written morsel ever produced by quill-scrapers since before the baby hill that was Mont Blanc grew into a mountain, and then became a scrivener’s implement… the prosaic pedants and the Grammar Police, together with the innumerable committees of lexicon-compilers, guesstimate anywhere between 175,000 and 250,000 WURDS in the Queen’s English… that’s assuming Her Majesty is fluent in all the multiplicity of absorbed fragments of tongues from other lands that’ve snuck into our lingo… as crusading crafters of the creative criteria, we weave and weft wild and wanton wizardry with our nibs and laptop keyboards… generally, yeez’ll give little pause to paunder the prauvenance of much of yer versatile vocabulary… this ol’ Jurassic hails from a northern Land Across The Wall… Hadrian’s Wall, to give it the common title… and more specifically for those of a Google-Map fetish… a wee place called Govan, in Docklands Glasgow… I almost lobbed a half-brick at the television screen earlier today to hear a Southern British lady pronounce ‘Govan’ with the first two letters as ‘Go’ as in ‘Stop/Go’… the WURD starts with a sound ‘guv’… a gap in the lady’s elocutionary education, obviously… but it led me to think how much of the richness of the ‘G’U’Van’ vernacular may be lost to the ear of those hearing it at a distance… fr’example, offence is seldom taken in Glasgow to the widespread use of coarse Anglo-Govan-Saxon WURDS, which are similar in genesis to coarse Anglo-Saxon, but with added attitude… there’s also the oft-mistaken meaning of the double-positive, which when uttered by a Govan local, ‘Aye!…Right!’ is not a term of agreement… and the ‘Glasgow Kiss’ has nowt to do with endearment, as it is a description of the rapid application of one person’s forehead to the bridge of the nose of another, usually with the attendant grasping of the nose-bridge owner/receiver’s jacket lapels… and ‘knuckle-dusters’ have NUTHIN to do with hand-cleansers… but, I digress, and in the interests of brevity, and before Matron gets here with that bluudy syringe, I exhort my fellow Lads and Lassies of Blog Land to consider the term allegedly coined by Roosevelt about Winston Churchill, “…he mobilized the English language and sent it into battle….” … go arm yerselves with a few vocabuleric grenades… see yeez later…

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…a re-run Post just for the heck of it!… #TBSU…

…this ol’ Jurassic’s in the middle of editing a proposed third collection of blogs done over the last year… I came across this one which still tickles me, so thought I’d share it with yeez again… please enjoy…

…right! that’s it! if Facebook and Twitter can do it, so can I!…stand back! I’m gonna IPO my blog!… 

…not for NUTHIN was I known in the financial circles as theLegend-In-His-Own-Lunchbox’… at the height of my banking wheelings-and-dealings-extraordinaires, this ol’ Jurassic was frequently referred to by the International Monetary Fund  as, who??… (in purer literary circles that would be, whom??…)… and I can’t tell yeez the number of times the phone rang off the hook from advice-seekers from the WURLD Bank…  it will surprise none of yeez, therefore, to learn that following in the footsteps of the Facebook and Twitter examples, I intend to bring my blog to the stock markets in an Initial Public Offering... ‘IPO’ to the un-knowing… the usual suspects, erm, advisors, from the City will include receiving banks, RobEm-Blind Bank Limited, Crukes Cooperative Bank, and the National Bank of Govan, Glasgow, Docklands Branch... the legal team will comprise Master Uriah Pinchabundle, lately advisor to the Incarcerated Group of Chancers at H.M. Prison, Wormwood Scrubs, UK; Lady I-Never-Dunnit-Melord of Inherkip, a powerful force in the overnight market… and Messrs Binga-Bonga and Bonga-Binga, Chancellors of the Nigerian-Association-Of-Email-Us-To-Park-Yer-Billions fame… the Investing Panel for the trillions expected to be raised will be the South-North-East-West-Sea-Bubbles Group and Lord Bernard Made-Off, sometime resident of Manhattan, Noo Yawk, and more recently of his country retreat in North Carolina Penitentiary… the advertising and promotional activity can only be rendered to the safe hands of the Association of Ponzi Structurers, more commonly recognised as the Collective Finance Ministers of the Common Market… the public at large is invited to tender a minimum of 50% of their life savings, plus any monies accrued to their kids at Christmas from doting Aunties and Uncles… currency will be accepted in all legal tender notes, but small unmarked bills only please… old habits die hard… old Bruce Willis Dies Even Harder… (there, Brucie, told yeez I’d give geez a plug, eh?…)… enuff waiting around reading this now… off yeez go, take yer hammers to yer collective piggy banks and let’s be having yeez…

bagsmoneysingle bag of money

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…drumming up the LUV for my pal, Author Scarlett Flame’s terrific book, ‘Bound for Passion’… #TBSU…

Blog of the year skelat jpg

… she’s got this Year’s Blogger of the Year Award… but she’s a LOT more than just her Blogging, believe me… my pal, Author Scarlett Flame, is up and running with her Blog Tour for ‘BOUND FOR PASSION’….sizzle, sizzle, sizzle…

…a blurb taster for yeez, right here:

…when Vivienne sits inconsolable in the hospital chapel, the last encounter she expects is a fervent entanglement with an otherworldly being… as passions increase she learns for the first time in her life the true meaning of out of this world. In the second, Sarah meets a new lover after telling him all her intimate fantasies in an internet chat room. And, the final story concerns the journey a young woman takes, as a Dominant offers to show her the ropes, in exchange for her submission via BDSM. Individually these stories are hot, but together they are sizzling…

…told yeez!

…have a decko at the cover WURK:

Bound for Passion Cover (Version 01) JPEGIMG_6915

…here’s the Amazon link to get yer fingers clicking :

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00H9PA5B8

…see yeez later…

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… how do yeez know yeez don’t like it if yeez haven’t even TRIED it yet?… #TBSU…

…growing up in Docklands Govan in Glasgow in the late 1940s and 1950s didn’t encourage an extensive gourmet palate… among the delicacies indulged were fish scrapings (free) from the local fish and chip shop, pre the ‘Fried-Mars-Bars-Will-Extend-Yer-Heart’s-Ability-To-Survive——Aye-Right!’ phenomenon… other treats such as bread-loaf-backsliders-fried-in-lard, and corned-beef-mashed-up-with-anything kept the winters at bay… little wonder then in later life that this ol’ Jurassic became hesitant to broaden the appetite range to include exotic cuisine in the form of foods from foreign shores… I believe I may have been married before the first curry ever arrived on my plate… and as for Chinese meals?… suffice to say I lived in Hong Kong for six months, mainly on steak and chips before risking all on my first dim sum meal… my stock response to offerings of ‘alternative grub’ was, ‘…I don’t like that…’ …and that was before I’d ever even tasted a morsel of the new menu item… eventually, peer pressure, and possibly a pang or twelve of hunger in certain circumstances when no other familiar fodder presented itself, tempted me to give it a go… and shock, surprise, startlement… most of it tasted great!… Vindaloo, Frogs Legs, Paella, Balut, Sushi, Foie Gras, Truffles et al… as yet the Fried Mars Bars stay off-limits… however my point segues very well into this… when it comes to reading material, my attitude is changing… there no longer is a mental barrier to this JONGRR or that JONGRR (…‘genre’, Mabel, ‘genre’ in French)… in the past, certain of these scribbler’s categories wouldn’t have caused a flicker of interest in me, … but having dived into this self-publishing maelstrom, part of my wider ambit is to buy books regularly to support other newcomer authors and do reviews… not all of them write in my crime thriller JONGRR… I’ve opened my reviewer mind to all sorts now… historical fiction, romance, erotica, poetry, modern commentary… and lo and behold, just like the foreign dishes…I find I like most of it… why? coz it’s down to the writing itself, that’s why…. good writing is good writing is good writing… one day, I might even have a wee peek at the vampire stuff… but keep that bluudy Fried Mars Bar away… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!

sushiricejap

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…I had a fight with some of my characters last night… and lost… again… #TBSU…

…In the ‘Art of War’, the ancient Chinese Emperor, Sun Tzu instructs yeez to ‘choose yer battleground’... great advice… except if the only battle arena available is yer own brain… now, with a long history of broken-nose-ism-from-challenging-much-bigger-and-better-opponents, this ol’ Jurassic knows better than to go around picking fights these days… which makes it a bit of a bummer when fights come picking me… worse still, the antagonists come from the toughest group of all to combat… yer own fictional characters… psychiatrists and sighing eye-rollers can look away now, but loads of yeez Lads and Lassies of Blog Land will understand precisely what I mean… most of yesterday was spent sculpting the middle of a chapter of my latest Jack Calder novel masterpiece… by hammock time the narrative was hanging together quite well… or so I thought… so, whatever happened to that ‘to-bed-perchance-to-sleep,-to-sleep-perchance-to-dream’ gig?… nightmare scenario arrived… not one, not two, but three of the characters invaded my little grey cells and started to debate the efficacy of the plot flow… try as I did to argue them down… ‘look, punks, this is my novel, yeez’ll do exactly what I say yeez’ll do’… aye, right!… first order of the day on waking, after brushing the teeth… back to the laptop… re-write, running the dialogue from the dream/nightmare… and darn it, they were right!… it does run better… the cadence WURKS… what I’m thinking of doing now… is trying to invent a parallel to sleepwalking… I’ll call it ‘sleep-writing’… brings up the question, however… where do I send the characters’ share of the massive royalties?… bound to be an argument over that… never mind… I’ve got to get tracking on today’s production… need to finish it before I go to bed this evening… else there’ll be NUTHIN to fight about… where did I leave those boxing gloves?… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!

sleep

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