…I could teach that Gordon Ramsay chef fellow a thing or three…

…it all happened a lo-o-o-ong time ago… in the town of Campbeltown on the Mull of Kintyre (which made Paul McCartney famous before Kanye West thought of helping the poor wee Liverpudlian into the limelight)…. so far back, indeed that even McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Chicken hadn’t yet added to the Fried Mars Bars menu choices for Scots everywhere… and therein lies part of the thing… at the time, this ol’ Jurassic was a bachelor in his early twenties… a period of much apprenticeship in the fine art of alcohol imbibement… striving to acquire my Black Belt in ’Getting Pished’… the lodgings in Campbeltown were shared with three other lads, equally in the same pursuit of large quantities of the Electric Soup… the other guys were pretty adept at throwing together a meal for the four of us, and took it in rotation to do so… I’d long since claimed absolute ignorance of anything to do with cuisinery propensity, and contributed my dish-washing skills instead to compensate for that… one weekend, communal madness seemed to overtake our quartet and I was given free rein to ’try to cook dinner’ for us all… I’m certain a drink or more had been taken in the making of that decision… the money contribution was handed over in the morning, and the rest of the fellows went about their Saturday activities in expectation of Master Gallacher’s gastronomic grandeur in the evening… I decided they deserved a good Cabbage Soup followed by Fried Rice… the ingredients were purchased accordingly, and the process began… this next passage should prob’ly invoke an editorial drawing across of a curtain… things didn’t go exactly as the Michelin Star people might have looked for… it seems if yeez boil a lettuce for three hours, it doesn’t produce cabbage soup…

…similarly, if yeez pour dry rice straight from the packet into a frying pan with just a tad of cooking oil, it forms the most impressive doily pattern… but it also, rather churlishly I feel, resembles a burnt, scarred, kinda pitiful, thick, papery biscuit…

…the boys were so impressed with my efforts, I was sent to purchase four orders of fish and chips from the local chippie… and as a direct consequence of my kitchen success, the dishwashing became my sole domain for the balance of my stay there… have I ever told yeez I heat up a mean sausage roll?… see yeez later… LUV YEEZ!…

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